Pregnancy after loss is different. You are no longer naïve to all the horrors that could happen. Instead, you are fully aware and every step in the pregnancy you worry.
After our year of trying to conceive and then our miscarriage, I didn’t know if I could I go through that again. I was terrified. However, I had also read multiple sources saying that I was more fertile after a miscarriage and the chances to conceive were a lot higher the first three months. So I was having to ask myself a very difficult question. Do I still want children? Yes. Am I ready? No. Did we try? Yes.
It didn’t take too long before I noticed my period was late by a day. At the same time though, my body was also getting back into a normal cycle after my miscarriage, so was it actually late? We went out for dinner that night and I was hesitant about ordering a gin and tonic, but I thought to myself that at this point I have no confirmation and I could be wrong. I should enjoy a drink, just in case. That was the last alcoholic beverage I ordered.
On the 12th September I took a pregnancy test. We were expecting it to come back negative. When it was time to look, we held hands and on the count of three we looked together. The words were written out in plain sight. ‘Pregnant’. I was suddenly overcome with emotions and I didn’t know how much was fear and how much was excitement. We both had tears in our eyes but we both knew that this time was going to be different.
Each week has been a hurdle to cross. This time around we didn’t tell anybody. Every pain, and everything that didn’t feel ‘right’ was a trip to the ER or a message to the OB.
As I write this I am 25+5 weeks pregnant.
Pregnancy after loss robs you off the experience that so many women are lucky enough to have. You can’t help but be afraid of something happening and it’s hard to not let it overwhelm you. You want to think positive and have hope, but there is this strong feeling inside of you that barriers up your heart and sends off warning bells.
We have passed all our main hurdles and getting past 24 weeks, where, if she was born she would be viable, was a huge relief. I still get concerned over any feeling that doesn’t feel right, or if I haven’t felt her all day, but that is not going to change. This is only the beginning as I know that once she is born it’s a whole different ball game!
I am incredibly grateful for my daughter and I have just a few more weeks until she will be in my arms. I cannot wait.
Now that the hard stuff is out of the way in my last few posts, I want to go backwards and tell you more information about pregnancy so far.